Breaking the Cycle: True Healing Begins When You Show Up for Yourself

What if healing isn't about going through painful situations and trying to get through dark and lonely moments as quickly as possible? What if it's about embracing them as opportunities?

Why Does it Feel like we're Going in Circles?

When we're forced to come face to face with challenging emotional situations which we've struggled with in the past, making us feel anxiety, fear, worry, sadness, loneliness, rejection... it's not happening to show us our greatest weaknesses. It's a calling from your higher self, showing you that you're once again in the prime position, ready to deal with healing these wounds once and for all and step into a life you have been desiring.  It’s a call to become a better, stronger version of yourself. But that process often requires venturing into the unknown—feeling unanchored and unsure. It’s not easy, but it's worth it.

Validating Your Own Feelings:

The journey begins with self-validation. Give yourself the time and space to feel what you need to feel, without judgment. Instead of chasing comfort or validation in others, ask yourself: What soothes me? What truly comforts me?

Discovering those answers within yourself is a process in itself, one which I found to be quite fulfilling and enjoyable when carried out in a calm and loving environment. When you stop relying on others to fill the emotional gaps, you’ll realise that everything you’ve been searching for is already inside you.

Knowing Your Value:

Understanding who you are and what you offer in relationships, whether romantic or platonic, is transformative. Be clear about the value you bring to others, but don’t attach your worth to how people respond to you. Your value isn’t a string tied to someone else’s presence, attention, or validation. To be able to find the strength and bravery within you to love openly and unconditionally without expecting reciprocation will set you free from all disappointment and only fill you with more contentment.

I've started to realise more and more from my past experiences that we don't chase people because we truly want them; we chase the way they make us feel. We're craving that love and attention which we've starved ourselves of because we never stopped to think about giving it to ourselves. We become addicted to the dopamine highs we get from the inconsistent moments of attention and admiration, but those highs only highlight something we’ve been neglecting within ourselves.

The Roots of Anxious Attachment:

Coming to understand my own internal anxious attachment dominating the way I approach relationships drew me into further trying to understand the core root of this behaviour. A lack of emotional consistency during childhood from your main caregivers can make attention feel scarce and overvalued. And so, over time, especially when we're malleable and impressionable in our younger years, our subconscious begins to see connections as rare and extremely valuable. We begin to form a habit to react in a hypersensitive way and overvalue whoever provides us with even as much as a side glance in our direction, as it begins to fill that huge gaping hole for love and affection we have never learnt to fill ourselves.

The care and attention you seek are oftentimes things you can provide for yourself and in even greater realms than you'd expect from anyone else. At first, it might not feel natural, but over time, after beginning to fill your desire and love and attention through your own self-love and approval and appreciation, you'll begin to feel whole and steady. You'll build an indestructible foundation within yourself that will support you through all types of relationship experiences.

Don't Let Yourself Accept Toxic Love as the Only Love:

To believe that love is scarce and limited and we should appreciate the bare minimum is simply not true. No matter how much it may at times feel like that, it's simply a narrative we’ve carried for too long with us in our lives.

Love is all around us. If we stop for a moment, we can sense the love within us, around us, and coming to us from all directions. it may not be loud and bold spoken through those three little words 'I love you'. But it's there.

I often thought that once I 'healed', I would automatically find boring relationships and have to settle for a relationship that lacked excitement and chase because it was 'healthy' and 'safe'. And while I'm still yet to enter a healthy and fulfilling relationship, I have come to understand that such relationships should be an addition to an already fulfilling life. The person standing next to us should make us a better version of us, not fix us and all the things that we're unhappy with in our life. A relationship built on communication, understanding, compassion, kindness, and love will in turn, allow us to no longer feel rejected, abandoned, broken and empty, even when things get difficult. Even if someone steps away, your perception will be accepting that as a natural occurrence, as it won't automatically make you feel like you've lost value because someone has chosen to walk away. It might hurt, but in a healthy and natural sense, where it won't define your self-worth. You’ll still feel whole. Because you never used that person or that relationship to fill a void in your life.

The Power of Self-Reflection:

Talking to others—whether friends, mentors, or therapists—can help externalize emotions. It’s a chance to hear your thoughts aloud and gain new perspectives. It provides a safe space to detach temporarily and process emotions logically rather than being swept away by their intensity.

But ultimately, the work is internal. You can’t rely solely on external sources for validation. No matter how hard it may seem, find the strength to simply be still. Allow yourself the time and space to create a stable, comfortable internal world—one with enough "crumple zones" to absorb life’s shocks. This prevents emotional rollercoasters from knocking you off balance the next time a strong emotional wave comes at you. Let your mind feel free to feel exactly what it feels. Sad? Angry? Alone? Confused? Terrified? They're all emotions that need to be felt. They're often not easy to feel, but just like happiness, joy, contentment, and love, they're part of who we are.

Showing Up for Yourself:

Imagine someone you love deeply—someone you’d do anything for—sobbing in a corner of a room. Could you simply walk away, turn on Netflix, or scroll through social media while they cry? Of course not.

Now, apply that same compassion to yourself. When you feel uncomfortable emotions—sadness, anger, anxiety, or fear—don’t abandon yourself. Sit with those feelings. Speak kindly to yourself. Validate your own experience.

This practice strengthens your inner world and builds a self-validation system that lessens your need to chase validation externally. Over time, you’ll choose people and experiences that align with your values, rather than seeking anyone who temporarily fills a void.

No one can give you the level of attention you should be giving yourself. And while learning to be there for yourself takes time, it’s worth it. Avoiding this work only starves your inner child of the love and kindness they deserve, perpetuating cycles of attachment and emotional highs and lows. The longer the patterns continue repeating, the more exhausting and heavy it will be to continue living through such emotional highs and lows.

Reframing Your Inner Child:

Your inner child isn’t here to annoy you or demand constant attention. It’s a guide—a navigation system pointing you toward psychological safety, love, and care. It stays calm when you honour your needs and values, but it signals distress when you stray, like chasing someone who doesn’t value you or sacrificing your needs to fit in.

These emotions—anxiety, fear, sadness—are not your enemies. They’re your inner child’s way of guiding you back to safety and healing. Guide you back to yourself.

Healing doesn’t mean avoiding pain or living in a bubble of safe, boring relationships. It means choosing nothing over someone who doesn’t align with your values. It means being patient enough to wait for people who truly resonate with you to come along.

The Tunnel of Healing:

Healing often feels like walking through a dark tunnel or wandering through a dark forest with no set path. You can’t see where you’re going, and it’s tempting to turn back. But trust that this is the way to a better place.

This process won’t erase your wounds overnight, but it will reshape you. Healing stays with you for life, offering strength and clarity. All it requires is your decision to commit to growth; no matter how uncomfortable the journey feels, you continue taking one step at a time without running back.

A Final Thought:

When life presents you with challenging emotions or situations, it’s not to show your weaknesses. It’s a sign you’re ready to face and heal old wounds. These moments are opportunities for transformation, not punishment.

Embrace them. Trust the process. The clouds will clear, and light will soon start to show. And this time, you’ll be stronger, wiser, and more at peace with yourself, ready to enter the next chapter of your life.

Amelia X

A little reminder that you, too, are blooming in your own time.

Soft moments, gentle thoughts, showing up for myself.

Sun-drenched stillness, a pause, a breath—this is healing.