What does this person in front of me need?
Often, when someone we care about is struggling, our instinct is to jump in with solutions. We think, How can I fix this for them? While our intentions may come from a good place, we sometimes forget to ask: What does this person in front of me actually need? Helping isn’t a one-size-fits-all action. What might feel supportive to us may not resonate with the person we’re trying to help. And while it’s easy to think, Take it or leave it, if we truly want to make a difference, why not take the time to offer help in the way they can receive it?
When Your Friend Needs You:
In my recent experiences talking to friends who’ve been navigating tough times—whether it’s about work, relationships, or family struggles—I’ve realized that being there to truly listen is often more impactful than rushing to provide answers. Simply being present and creating a space for someone to express their thoughts without interruption or judgment is enough to show that you care. It’s not about proving your value as a problem-solver; it’s about letting them feel seen, heard, and most of all supported.
For a long time, I believed that I had to have solutions lined up. I thought offering answers would show that I was actively helping. But I’ve come to see how this approach can unintentionally overshadow the person’s emotions. When we skip over what they’re feeling and jump to “fixing” their situation, we risk cutting them off from processing their own experience. In doing so, we might rush them into the next chapter of resolution before they’ve had a chance to fully sit with and release what’s weighing them down.
The truth is, sitting with someone in their pain is hard. It’s uncomfortable to feel their sadness, frustration, or hurt. But by choosing to stay present and resist the urge to "fix," we allow them to work through their emotions on their own terms. I mean when I think back to all those times I had friends and family help me through the toughest situations started with them allowing me to get it all out of me.
It then made me realise that listening doesn’t mean solving. It doesn’t even mean advising. It means being a visible and steady pillar of support—someone as a result you can lean on and trust to hold space for whatever they need to release.
The Power of Sitting with Someone in Their Pain:
I remember watching a video by Simon Sinek titled Be There for Your Friends, where he describes the importance of “sitting in the mud” with the people we love. The mud represents their struggles, and the act of sitting with them means accepting their discomfort without trying to pull them out prematurely. It made me realize how much of my “help” in the past was rooted in my discomfort with seeing loved ones in pain. When I felt compelled to solve their problems, it wasn’t just for their benefit, I'm starting to understand that in those moments it was also to help alleviate my feelings of helplessness.
But at the end of the day, the true support isn’t about us. It’s about them. It’s about providing those with love with the space and support to feel comfortable enough to dictate the pace of their much-needed healing and trusting their ability to find a way forward. Sure, there will be times when immediate intervention is necessary, but more often than not, simply showing up with empathy and patience is the most meaningful thing we can do.
In the end, I am grateful I've finally come to terms with helping not being about giving the perfect advice or providing a quick solution. If anything this can also take the pressure off the one supporting. It’s about being present for the person in front of you. It’s about saying, I see you. I’m here for you. Take your time. And in doing so, we remind them that they’re not alone—no matter how heavy the weight they’re carrying may feel. After all, when we're all in pain the scariest part of it is feeling like we're the only ones in that current state of mind. and that is terrifying.
Why Letting People Feel Their Emotions is Key to Healing:
We might not understand the downfalls of other people's lives, but that's ok. We have the power and strength within us to act as a pillar of support if nothing else and show those we love that we are there for them and that they do not have to face their troubles alone.
Each of us is faced with countless obstacles which have been specifically crafted for our lives and our circumstances. And it is up to each of us to capitalise on our ability to make a choice and choose whether these challenges are going to make or break us.
How Being Present Can Help Someone Heal:
So the next time you find yourself facing one of your friends who is struggling or in pain... don't let the pressure of feeling like you need to provide instantaneous relief from just being there and listening. Take a moment to pause and ask: What does this person truly need from me right now? If the answer is just your presence, then be there fully. After all, sometimes the best kind of help is simply showing up.
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