In the last few years, I've gone through enough talking stages with guys to know what makes me anxious, what makes me tick, and what can make me go into a complete emotional meltdown. But most recently, I have found a way to conquer all these unpleasantries and simply allow the conversation to just be... well, a conversation.
It's Never About the Guy:
It's never about the guy. He's just there on the other side of the screen living his life as usual. He's independent, he has the right to do whatever he wants. Whether he wants to reply straight away, or 24 hours later. If he wants to love bomb you within the first week, and then ghost you. Or maintain a smooth gradual pleasant conversation build-up. It doesn't matter. If I'm not clued up on what I want and what I'm willing to give, either of all these possible scenarios could have a pretty triggering impact on my anxiety and overthinking habits.
So what do I do? Well, I start by sitting down, and looking at myself straight in the mirror. And I ask myself 'what do I feel?', 'What do I want?'. AnswesAnd there's your answer. It's simple as. Look at yourself, and realise that you are right there, you deserve your own attention, and time. It's when we're not giving ourselves these basic primal human necessities we begin to place this responsibility onto guys who we hardly know. And then it's all downhill from there. Whether it becomes a situationship or a long-term commitment- they will forever have a hold over your mental and emotional stability, because you've given them the job to 'fulfil' your primal needs- love, care, value and attention.
The Power of the Pause:
And so I realised, that taking the time away from the conversation when you feel you need it- no matter how emotionally close you feel in the moment- you'll thank yourself later. Possibly even the next day. Taking that space and stepping away from the situation allows us to gain perspective and some breathing space and mental headspace to reconnect with our inner selves. During this time we can revisit our internal reflections by asking 'What do we want from this ?', 'What are we willing to give?' and 'Do I feel good continuing acting the way I currently am?'. Take the time, even 5 minutes, to understand if the current conversation is making you feel good, and if not what can you do to soothe yourself and not rely on the guy doing this, by trying to control his conversing behaviour. it's his full right to act as he pleases - and the sooner we allow the guy to take that stand without trying to control his behaviour, the sooner we truly can learn the type of person they are.
And I completely get it. The excitement, the dopamine hits, the adrenaline coursing through your body day and night, over experiencing these thrilling emotions for a guy you've just met and it feels good to have that interaction with him. Trust me- it's hard not to understand. But taking it slow and a step back can be even more exciting. Once you learn how to control and navigate your own emotions, you can continue your journey of navigating new and possibly even more exciting experiences with guys. The reason this will be possible is because you no longer will have your value attached to the level of attention this guy provides by an invisible string. We untie it. We free ourselves from the outcome of the situation, and we remain whole no matter the outcome.
Texting, Ghosting, and Self-Worth:
It's all about baby steps and not letting fear and anxiety get the best of you along the way.
A few things to try. If you get a response from the guy, and it seemingly doesn't feel like there's an obvious reply you want to send- then leave it. Simply swipe out of that conversation and move on with your day-to-day activities. Or read the message, and take your time to reply. You do not need to feel obliged to reply straight away. Even write the message, but don't feel you need to send it straight away. It's these micro pauses we're taking that will help ground us and bring us back into the present moment- where we belong.
There's a chance you may start feeling panic-stricken- 'but now he'll think I'm not interested', 'he's not going to reply if I don't reply', 'If I don't make the effort he won't care either'. All of which is not true. What is true is that his response/no response will have no impact on you, purely because you feel happy with the stance you took. you chose to not overexert yourself unnaturally. you acted according to how you felt.
When we reply out of fear, and when our internal anxious attachment flares up, we begin to lose ourselves. We no longer remain connected to what we want, how we feel and being aligned with what we're willing to offer. we instead jump ship and throw ourselves into the conversation. As a result, we begin to chase. But we're no longer chasing this guy. We're chasing what he could offer us; care, love, and attention because we have stopped giving it to ourselves.
We begin to act out based on what we believe will make the guy happy, will make him respond and give us that attention. And before you know it, we're left feeling lost, confused, and anxious. Better yet, we melt down like a long-term drug addict not getting our dose, when the guy decides to 'leave' by simply ghosting us or responding in a timeframe that might strike us as 'too long'. And it's because our survival system believes we have been once again cut off from receiving attention, love, care, and value- core feel-good foods for our body, heart and soul. But not if we choose, to find ways to give it to ourselves.
Why You Don't Need Him To Text Back Right Away:
Valuing your own time and energy is an extremely attractive and powerful habit to own and use as and when you want to. At the end of the day, if it doesn't work out with that guy, and he moves on, give it a moment or two and before you know while you're getting on with your own life, and fulfilling hobbies and activities, another one pops up along the way. There's no need to run after a guy- the next one is just behind. But you need to trust in that being the way of life. Adjust your thinking from 'he's the one- it needs to work out' to 'he's cute, I think I like him- but I'm not going to attach, there are loads of guys out there'.
The more you immerse yourself in your own pool of life- even if it's little things you do to fill up your time- you'll be surprised how easy it is to start discovering passions and joys and new interests which can carry you further in your life. the more you commit your time and energy to padding out and beautifying your own everyday life, the less space there will be waiting to be filled, by someone else.
The Secret to Staying Grounded While Dating:
Let the universe work its magic in the background for you. The ground beneath your feet hasn't crumbled yet right? So naturally it's safe to assume everything in your past must have worked out, as you're still standing and living through another day. Trust in that, if nothing else. Look ahead and believe that things are already working out right now, even if it might feel otherwise. The modern dating world is complicated, to say the least. But It doesn't have to be. Texting, ghosting, and self-worth—are three elements that often get tangled together in the maze of modern dating. But it’s crucial to understand that texting is just a conversation, not a crystal ball showing your future with someone. And if someone chooses to walk away without a word—ghosting you—that’s entirely their choice and their prerogative, as much as it is yours. It is not and never will be, a reflection of your self-worth. Never forget that.
Just don't overlook your own needs and desires and waste this precious time. It's when we feel emotionally vulnerable we can really benefit by guiding ourselves into the right lanes of life. Building new habits to strengthen ourselves. Helping us shift our mindset from 'needing a guy to want me' to 'this is nice to have, as it adds more joy but I don't need it to feel whole'.
And remember whoever brings the joy also has the power to take it away. So, always give it to yourself first and never stop. It's the best way to ensure you forever hold the reigns to your joy, love, care and attention- your primal needs to fulfil your heart, mind and soul.
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